My Luke
by poetryismyfirstlove
Summary: Regret was never in my vocabulary nor had I dwelled on if only and what ifs, not until my mother, who is the bravest and strongest person I know, admitted to her own. Postseason 7 RoryxLogan, LorelaixLuke
1. Realize

I was heading back after visiting Stars Hollow, driving to my apartment in New York and flipping through the channels on my stereo. I wanted to distract myself from Mom's confession earlier. Never would I think she'd tell me that. And having her tell me she'd never want me to feel the same way made me think. Do I? Rihanna's voice through the stereo caught my attention and I listened.

_All along it was a fever_  
_A cold sweat hot-headed believer_  
_I threw my hands in the air I said show me something_  
_He said, if you dare come a little closer_

_Round and around and around and around we go_  
_Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know_

_Not really sure how to feel about it_  
_Something in the way you move_  
_Makes me feel like I can't live without you_  
_It takes me all the way_  
_I want you to stay_

_It's not much of a life you're living_  
_It's not just something you take, it's given_  
_Round and around and around and around we go_  
_Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know_

_Not really sure how to feel about it_  
_Something in the way you move_  
_Makes me feel like I can't live without you_  
_It takes me all the way_  
_I want you to stay_

_Ohhh the reason I hold on_  
_Ohhh cause I need this hole gone_  
_Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving_  
_Cause when you never see the lights it's hard to know which one of us is caving_

_Not really sure how to feel about it_  
_Something in the way you move_  
_Makes me feel like I can't live without you_  
_It takes me all the way_  
_I want you to stay, stay_  
_I want you to stay, ohhh_

As the song ended, I recall Mom's words "I hope you'd never have to regret anything in your life."

Too late Mom, too late.


	2. Regret

Regret

by L.H.

I was raised to be independent and driven, much like my mother. She has never made me feel I cannot do anything. She encouraged me to forge my own path and follow my dreams, to want more and be more. I was a 30 year-old kid who went to high school and hit adolescent during college. I was not perfect; I am still not. I made mistakes that helped me grow up but I did not regret them; they were necessary lessons I had to learn the hard way. Now, when I am just starting to get comfortable being an adult, it took me a song and someone else's regret to recognize my own. Maybe I was in denial (as I am prone to be), an irony for a journalist who works for a living out of truth to lie about her own feelings. Regret was never in my vocabulary nor had I dwelled on if only and what ifs, not until my mother, who is the bravest and strongest person I know, admitted to her own.

My mother and Luke have danced around each other for almost two decades. From their flirting disguised as banters, to their romance with others and with each other, to their break-ups and make-ups and finally, with their marriage three years ago, I have witnessed them all. I knew then as I do now that although my dad is my mother's first love, my stepfather Luke is the love of her life. My mother knew it too but she was the original denial queen. And when she finally admitted it to herself, I knew she had the happiest three years of her life._ Had_ because Luke passed away this spring after battling it out with lung cancer. Another of life's ironies as he was the one who always ate healthy and never smoked a stick in his life.

Time is my mother's regret. Time she could have had with Luke. Time she let pass thinking she had more. Time she could never have again. And so pondering about this one day while I was driving back from my hometown while listening to my stereo playing Rihanna, I have come to terms with my own regret.

Like my mother, I have my Luke. He was not special the first time I met him but when I got to know the man behind the name, I was hooked. He was impulsively daring, annoyingly smart and charming to a fault. He can debate with you until you turn blue and convince you to jump and live in the moment. He was beautiful even with his flaws. I changed him and he changed me. He had never been in love before me and although I cannot say the same, I know I have never been in love the way I loved him. We had the best three years of my life, even with its extreme highs and lows. _Had_ because I lost him a little over five years ago.

Words are my regret. Again, this is ironic because I am very familiar with words and what they can do. But not all words are good, sometimes they can hurt too even if not said rashly, even if your reason is valid, even if with the best intentions. Sometimes you don't even have to use words to obtain the same effect. Words said and unsaid are my regret. When I killed his dreams and betrayed his heart, with one word: _No_.

I thought my dreams were too important to postpone. I thought he could wait. But I was wrong and he could not. He wanted to give me all but I wanted to work for it myself. It took me 5 years to realize that although my dreams were important, they were not as fulfilling. My life though busy and littered with things to do, seemed empty. I thought I could move on and have moved on but I have been stuck to that day I broke his heart while he broke mine. And if I could rewind five years to the day he walked away from me, I wish I could have said another word: _Stay_.

I thought regret would taste bitter but I guess I never could with him. My regret is a blend of sweet and salty. It holds its own, not even my cup of coffee or his favorite scotch could fix. Wherever he is, I hope he is doing well. I hope he is happy. I hope he has new dreams. I hope he has learned to love again. He may not love me now, in fact he may not want to see me, hear from me, speak to me, much less forgive me, but I never want to have to regret again. So this is me letting you know with four words: _ I love you still_.


	3. Reaction

In Hartford, there were no prouder grandparents than that of Richard and Emily Gilmore. They would always wait for the weekly article, their smart and beautiful granddaughter has written. However that day after reading it, both were thoughtful and subdued and went on separate ways.

Richard spent time in his study. Old as he is and doting of his granddaughter, he had never been once called sentimental. But in his old age, sentimental would perhaps be appropriate. He was raised a decent man and was expected to always be mindful of society. But he deviated from that when he fell for Emily and broken off his own engagement with another woman, much to the chagrin of his mother. In all their years together, he has never regretted loving Emily and choosing her. Temperamental at times, but nothing could be said of her impeccable taste and organization or her devotion to him. His only regret was never standing enough for her to his mother. God Bless her soul, but Trix has always been antagonistic to his wife and Emily despite being a proud woman, took it all in stride. She even relented when he wanted to named their daughter after his mother. Maybe that's why, her and Lorelai II fought a lot, because Lorelai II was as stubborn as Lorelai I. So if he could change one thing in his life, that would have been making Trix accept Emily wholeheartedly. He then, proceeded to write Rory an e-mail about the new book he has acquired that he knew she'd appreciate.

Emily went outside in the garden, tending to the orchids she has just acquired to show the DAR ladies. While it is true that all she ever did was make plans for parties, functions and fundraisers, she has never felt ashamed by it. She knew her strengths and where to use them. Some people might see her as cold and demanding but she knew it needed to be done. But people in society might scoff if they ever find out that underneath her practiced society exterior, she always felt inadequate. Unlike the other women in society, she regretted not having a relationship with her daughter. She envied Lorelai and Rory's closeness and wished that she could have been more present in Lorelai's life growing up or if only she listened more instead of arguing with her then maybe things would have been different. Maybe Lorelai would have finished school, not that she wasn't proud of where she was now or of Rory. But nonetheless, she was happy that as her daughter got older, they were on their way to building a closer relationship. She had been happy when Lorelai married Luke and concerned when she found out he was sick. She stayed by Lorelai's side when Luke was at the hospital and after, when he died. It maybe years late, but finally, she knew she was being the mother her daughter needed. Only if she could do something for Rory, somehow meddling doesn't seem right.

* * *

Somewhere in Boston, Christopher Hayden has just finished reading her daughter's article and thought to himself that his regret was named Lorelai, both of them actually.

He regretted not keeping his act together early and marrying the elder Lorelai. Not that when they eventually got married, things were better but maybe if he realized early that there could be no one else but her then maybe they would have had their happy ending. It hurts to know that he'd never be the love of her life when she'll always be the love of his but it's comforting to know that he'll always be her first love. And slowly, once he has shed his bitterness, they were back to being friends again. After all, Lore was and always will be his bestfriend first, first love second, then mother of his first-born and now ex-wife.

Now that Luke is gone, he thought that maybe they could start over again but he also knew that Lore was still hurting, so he's patient and sincerely acts as her friend. He wasn't in a hurry. Because even if she cannot return his feelings the same way, no one could deny the bond they share over having a daughter. Sometimes, loving the same person is enough.

He feels proud of the younger Lorelai. She was in many ways a miniature of her mother, a true Gilmore girl. And he knows that he had little to do with her upbringing. He regrets not being around more. Not seeing her grow up, her first steps and her first words, not attending her graduation. Throughout the years, he has tried to compensate by giving her stuff and paying for Yale. He even contemplated buying a Starbucks franchise just to fund her coffee addiction. But he knows it would never be enough. He's lucky that Rory had been forgiving even when he hurt her when he chose the chance to be a father to Gigi like he wasn't for her. But they're doing good now, they talk a lot and she loves Gigi like a real sister. In fact, she's due to call later today. Maybe, he'd tell her about his Starbucks idea to cheer her up.

* * *

At John Hopkins Hospital, the usually self-opinionated blonde would be neurosurgeon, could be seen being pensive and calm as she drank her 3rd coffee of the day, much to the surprise of the staff.

Paris Geller, ambitious and driven, self-appointed college bestfriend of Rory Gilmore, was surprised as she read Rory's latest article. It was all sorts of sentimental, the kind she hated, but it possessed eloquence in its vulnerability and honesty. Maybe Gilmore wasn't losing her touch yet. She didn't know she was still hurting over Huntzberger. She always thought that Rory was like her, so maybe not as much like her, but she always thought that they have clear plans for their future. But then, Rory wasn't perfect and was prone to make mistakes especially on impulse. Not that she was perfect either, if there was a thing she regretted, it was letting her emotions get the best of her. Like the time she fought with Rory over Tristan. Looking back, it was absolutely shallow and beneath her to fight over a boy, no matter how good-looking. Another time was the C-SPAN breakdown over Harvard's rejection. She cringes at the thought of the video still circulating in the net and hoped that no one would associate it again with her. But it was all in the past now and she was learning. She was happy with Doyle and with her career path. She wondered again, how Rory was coping and vowed to send her an e-mail later after her shift.

* * *

In London, a blue-eyed man with tousled blond hair, was braving the rainy streets as he went home to his apartment.

Life had been good to Tristan Dugrey after graduating military school and turning his life around. He finished with distinction in his class and studied in Oxford to get his law degree. It wasn't easy at first being away from Hartford but he knew he had to be away or else fall back to his old ways. And he had been right, because he was now a respected lawyer and having finally earned his father's respect he was handling his father's overseas firm. There had never been a shortage of women through the years who threw themselves at him but he had stopped being that teenager a long time ago. Now he goes for meaningful relationships, taking time to know a girl and choosing quality over quantity. All these because of a blue-eyed brunette who said she hated him. It hurt because he really liked her. Maybe his method was questionable, but when she said that, he felt his father telling him he would never amount to anything was true and the downward spiral leading to military school happened.

He has thought about her sporadically over the years, his Mary, and tried to keep tabs. He knew she went to Yale instead of Harvard, through Paris. He learned that she was in a relationship with Huntz of all people, when the son of the newspaper mogul stayed in London. He thought that if anyone could do it, she was the girl. And then, how it ended when she rejected his proposal. He was surprised that Mary would reject a proposal coming from a commitment-phobe and then maybe not, because after all, Mary was good at rejections. He had first-hand experience. He followed her career and her articles and enjoyed them. Still, her latest article bothered him. He didn't like knowing that his Mary was hurting. So maybe his regret was being an ass to Mary all those years ago. Maybe if he had been nice they could have been friends or more. Maybe it would have been him instead of Huntz. He wasn't the same boy she knew years ago and he wasn't thinking of pursuing her, not that she wasn't worth it but time has lent him maturity. He's thankful of the girl, who changed his life, and perhaps a part of him will always be a little in love with her, however, he has learned to accept that her heart belonged to someone else. Maybe after all this time, a thank you was in order.

* * *

In Philadelphia, one Jess Mariano, ex-Stars Hollow punk, nephew to Luke and ex-boyfriend of Rory Gilmore, was contemplating her ex-girlfriend's latest article.

Before Luke's funeral, it had been years since he last saw her, not since Luke and Lorelai's wedding where they didn't know how to act around each other. The last time they saw each other before that was when Rory came to him upset over her blond rich boyfriend and kissed him before admitting that she still loved Logan. He hated Logan for all that he represented, and for having Rory's love despite that. But he knew if Rory loved him then there was something redeeming about him, after all, Rory loved him too once upon a time. The funeral was different though. Lorelai and Rory welcomed him openly, probably because they were all grieving the loss of a great man they all loved. After the funeral, he and Rory would occasionally exchange e-mails and booklists. They weren't as close as they were before but at least they were talking. So her article came as a revelation in more ways than one, because she hadn't mentioned anything and because he didn't know the depth of her love for the rich blond. She called him her Luke, which was a big deal since he has always hoped that he would be like that for her. Maybe he was her Christopher, ironic considering Logan was more like him really. He was her first love, a love that was intense when they were young but he left her just like her father. He had always regretted leaving Rory. He should have known that leaving her would make him lose her trust. And Logan, to her, was the one that got away. He left her just like he did. How was that fair? But then he left her when Rory rejected his proposal unlike him who left Rory hanging. It didn't matter that he was reminded why he hated the rich blond, because what matters is that Rory still loved Logan.

* * *

Back at Stars Hollow, Lorelai was affected deeply by what her daughter revealed in her article. She has accepted her daughter's decision of rejecting Logan's proposal because she believed it was the right thing to do. She has just graduated after all and bound to do many great things. She saw her wallow but she should've known better. She didn't even ask her if she did a pro-con list. Through the years she saw her avoid starting relationships and only occasionally going out on dates without plans for a follow-up. She let Rory excuse herself by saying she was busy and that she didn't have time. But the truth was, she was still hurting. She remembered the Valentine's spent at Martha's Vineyard when she and Rory talked about Luke and Logan as being the ones. How could she have forgotten that? Rory had always been supportive of her and Luke. Shouldn't she have done the same? She has never been a big fan of Logan, knowing he grew up from Society, but she had to admit that despite that, he must have loved Rory the most. Granted, Rory engaged in a casual relationship, stole a yacht and quit Yale while she was with Logan but she also had to admit that Rory had been the happiest and grew up a lot when she was with him. And she saw the change in Logan, from the society boy to working man, playboy to committed boyfriend. He did a lot of growing up too. She won't forget how he asked for her permission to marry Rory, even if he knew she wasn't her biggest fan. Maybe she should've questioned her daughter's decision. Maybe she should've been open-minded. Just because she has found love late doesn't mean it's any less true if others found it early. She loved her daughter very much and if she could do anything to spare her the hurt, she'd do it.


	4. Response

I never thought life would take me here. I was dreaming towards being a foreign correspondent and getting a by-line for the New York Times but I guess life had other ideas. After my stint in the Obama trail, I stayed 2 more years with Hugo writing political pieces in Washington. Not that I didn't like being in the nation's capital but somehow, I felt restricted. I missed writing about other stuff plus the fact that the distance did nothing but raise my phone and traveling expenses from my frequent impulses to visit my mother and Luke as well as my grandparents.

So I packed my bags and tried to apply in New York, anywhere not under HPG of course. Thankfully, I was accepted as a feature writer for The Villager. I can't use Rory Gilmore anymore, afraid that it will be recognized so I use Lorelai Hayden. It was a good thing I had it legally changed when my mom married my dad however brief it was, because I felt I could finally use dad's name. I used the pen name L.H. Maybe I chose it subconsciously because it was the same as his initials, besides H could have also stood for his surname which could have been also mine had I accepted his proposal.

I live in a modest-sized 2 bedroom apartment with a balcony courtesy of dad. I devoted all my time to work and visiting mom and Luke as well as dad and Gigi. I've met new friends at work even dated occasionally but I never bother with a second date. I was always busy and I haven't had a decent vacation in five years. I don't want to stop working and when I do it's only for necessities like food, coffee, shopping, books, sleep and the obligatory parties and functions. I don't want to be idle. Free time is a luxury I don't want to have. Actually, it's a liability. It makes me broody and nostalgic. Just like the last time I wrote my article.

I didn't think that when I wrote my piece I'd receive these many responses. My family were trying to be supportive. Grandpa was telling me about his new book, dad wanted to buy me a Starbucks and mom was trying to be cheerful when she called me to tell stories about the latest news in the Hollow. I was surprised that grandma didn't have a thing to say. Not one of them mentioned him. I don't blame them. Through the years I've developed the inability to say his name and the people around me have also stopped mentioning him. Leave it to Paris however, to act like well, Paris. She was both sympathetic albeit fleetingly and disapproving. She has even dubbed him He-who-must-not-be-named, ever since I started to refuse talking about him. The biggest surprise was from Tristan all the way from London. He sent me a care package filled with chocolate covered coffee beans and gourmet coffee and a top of the line espresso machine. He thanked me in his letter, how I helped get his life on track, how sorry he was that he lost touch and if we could be friends again. And he was proud that his Mary has grown up and fallen in love. I didn't think I would miss Tristan, not having thought of him for a long time since highschool, but I did and it brought a smile to my face that he still calls me Mary. So I've christened his gift as Blue in honor of his giver whose eyes I've always secretly deep deep down and would never admit liked when I first saw him.

I've also been receiving e-mails from readers near and far about their experiences with regrets and how they've decided to take charge to change it. Most of the e-mails however, were curious who I've written the piece about and wanted to know more. My editor, with all the e-mails flooding and the favourable response from readers, decided to let me continue writing blurbs about the man I called _My Luke_.

I am deeply disappointed however, that the one response I was waiting for was yet to make himself known.


	5. Recollections 1

When we first met

I was starting my sophomore year of college. You just got back from gallivanting for a year. Up to this day, I am sure that you still can not remember much when we first met. It was by the coffee cart, which looking back makes me want to believe in signs and maybe serendipity (or maybe I was just so predictable that you would find me where coffee is). I was with a friend and you were with yours. Maybe I should thank stooge 1, because if he were not a snob, he would not have bumped my friend resulting in our meeting. The second time we met was outside my dorm, thanks to stooge 2 who forgot the name of his supposed soulmate and where she lived. You were in your element that day, trying to goad me with your arguments. My impression of you as a pompous jerk only heightened. Master and Commander, that was what you asked me to call you although Judi Dench was a better fit.

When we first met, time didn't stop. I didn't hear any music and the world carried on. My breath didn't catch, my heart didn't skip a beat and no alarm bells were ringing in my head saying you were the one. It was not love at first sight, in fact, I was feeling somewhere between utmost dislike and extreme annoyance. But my heart fell apart, the moment I lost you.


	6. Recollections 2

A Rose with Any Other Name

My mother calls me mini-me, my dad calls me kiddo, my hometown has bestowed me with princess, I was even called Mary in highschool and your friends dubbed me reporter girl, but one pet name has always been special.

You called me Ace when I was trying to pump you for information about my article, as in ace reporter. As much as I do my best in all my articles, you also called me ace in my studies, books, music, movies and pop trivia. It annoyed me before, being called something other than my name. I don't take well having other people call me names. But I learned to tolerate it in time then I learned to like it and eventually love it. These days, I just miss it, wishing I could hear you say it one more time.


	7. Recollections 3

It's me, Rose

If there is one thing I'm most thankful for that you taught me that would be to step out of my comfort zone, to embrace being fearless. Not blind courage but seizing moments that otherwise would be lost to me. To this day, I could not believe how you did it. Blame it on my stubbornness in wanting to prove myself (no one has pushed me as much as you) and your amazing talent for sweet talking. You were always good at convincing people, must be that charm. That is why it was always difficult to say no to you (except for that one time).

Seven stories later, and after the initial relief that I was still alive, my heart was beating fast and my veins were pumped with adrenaline. I looked at you and in that moment something in me shifted, a true once in a lifetime experience. I was changed.

That day, I caught a glimpse of the real you and I was stunned with how beautiful you were. The soft light on your blonde hair looked like a halo, along with your blinding smile. How was it possible that a boy with a devil may care attitude looked like an angel?

If my life should have a before and after, it would have been marked by that very moment. It was my one perfect day, no do-overs needed, because that day, you brought me out of my shell. You gave me wings while we were falling, like I could do anything because I wasn't alone, because you were holding my hand. And even as our hands broke apart, I still felt connected to you.

You jump, I jump, Jack. I jumped into your world, you jumped into mine.


	8. Recollections 4

First Kiss

Our first kiss was memorable for many reasons.

Because we were both wearing suits, because I needed several sips of liquid courage, because I kissed you first (that fact alone astounds me plus the fact that I didn't run away after doing it) and because we got caught after. The last one, I'm sure we were both eager to forget.

I debated with myself whether I should pursue anything between us. You've been giving me mixed signals and I was getting tired of waiting so I decided to be proactive. You should thank my dad by the way, because he put the idea in my head, and my mom because she did it first.

I just wanted to know what it was like. That was what I told you. The first time you said it was like kissing a guy. The second time you said apparently you didn't know what you've been missing.

But I knew.


	9. Recollections 5

True Love

The first time we talked about love, it was while watching an old episode of twilight zone, The Long 'morrow. How the man went to space knowing he will come back still young while the girl he loved will be left on earth to grow old. So he took himself out of the chamber and aged only to return and find that the girl froze herself in a chamber to stay young for him when he returned.

That is true love. Imagine my heart melting for you when I heard you said that. This made me think that you were not as jaded as you presented yourself to be, that there was hope for you yet. Because you saw true love in tragedy, in sacrifice, in doing what is right for the other person's happiness. It was the first time I realized that we had the potential for something real and lasting, that I could love you like I have never loved before and that you could love me like that.

So when the time came, I gave you up for London, because it was your destiny whether you liked it or not, because you were good at what you did, because I believed in you. And when you came back, you were no longer a boy but a man. I never regretted that decision even if it was hard for me, because that was what true love was. I even have the rocket to prove it.

So when I wanted to do my own thing and prove myself I expected you to understand because it was my turn to head to space. But I guess I didn't expect I would regret it.


	10. Recollections 6

I Love Yous and First fights

I told you I love you, the same day you gave me my Birkin. You joked about it how the bag worked. You told me you didn't want to say it without meaning it, like the other girls. At least you were honest about it. I told you I was put in the same position once and I didn't know what to say myself. I love you without any expectations. I told you because I couldn't hold it in any longer. I did not mind saying it first but I hoped then that you were feeling more for me.

The first time you said it, we were outside my apartment, we were arguing over a misunderstanding on your part about our first fight. I was so mad at you and then you just blurted it out. You have no idea know how much I have been waiting for you to say those words. Come to think of it, you ruined it for me. I was sort of expecting a big surprise knowing that was the way you liked to do things. But I did not even get a measly love letter written on some tissue or hotel stationery. The second time you said it, you whispered it to my ear as we were slow dancing under the stars after the surprise picnic date you arranged. It was perfect.

There were more fights after that but we always made up and there were even much more perfect I love yous. Every fight made us better because we fought as much as we loved, because I love you and because you love me, as simple as that. If only things were as simple now.


	11. Recollections 7

You and Me

We defied normal. We did things our way and went about it, out of order. We kissed, which I instigated, before we dated. We were together before we actually were. I had to sort of break up with you before we even had an actual relationship.

We were opposites from the start. We were the last person each wanted to date, because I do commitments and because you don't. We were different but we worked. We completed each other.

When I was kicked out of my apartment, you asked me to move in with you and Henry (your suit of armour). It was some of the best times of my life. We were a team. We had our routine. You wake me up with coffee, I wake you up with kisses. We read the paper over breakfast . You cooked, I cleaned. We did grocery and laundry together. My clothes hung beside yours. We have pizza Mondays, Chinese Tuesdays, whatever Wednesdays, study Thursdays and Friday nights at the pub with our friends. You sleep on the right, I sleep on the left or my favourite, cuddled next to you. I hog the covers, you sleeptalk. We read or talk before we sleep about the happenings of our day, trivial stuff, childhood memories and sometimes the future. It was my favourite time of the day. When it was just you and me and nothing else mattered.


	12. Recollections 8

Hurting and Forgiving

We hurt each other a lot during our relationship. Most were petty but none were as hurtful as when you thought you could replace me with other girls when you thought we were broken up and when I froze you out when I found out about it from those girls.

I told you I forgave you but not really. I could not get over it so I punished you. I was cold and uncaring. I did not even say goodbye when you left on your trip. I wanted to get even with you but I could not go through with it. I still love you too much despite what you did. Then you had an accident and I was scared. What if I had lost you? What if I would never be able to tell you how much I love you again, hold you or kiss you? Suddenly my grudge was not so important anymore. There is nothing like near death to put things into perspective. We're not perfect, far from it actually. I am just as capable of hurting you as you hurt me.

I realized that to forgive you is to accept that which hurt has happened and to not let it come between us anymore. That to love you is to accept all your faults and to always give you chances. At that moment, I knew I could forgive you for anything.


	13. Recollections 9

The One

I've never told you before but when were at Martha's vineyard that Valentine's day, I have thought that you might just be The One. Not in The Matrix and Neo kind of way but the way my mom thought of Luke. After my failed relationships, I knew you would be different even when we've just started dating.

I was drawn to you like moth to fire. You had all this sides that would rival mine. You were everything I could want and more. You drove me mad. You made me cry. You listened and comforted me. You challenged me. You surprised me. You made me smile and laugh. You pampered me. You understood and accepted me, quirks and all. You loved me.

Never doubt that you weren't included in my dreams. I did think of a future with you, of maybe getting married and having blonde and blue-eyed babies, of what it would be like to wake up next to you for the rest of my life seeing each other growing old. But I would stop myself from fantasizing about it because I didn't want to get ahead of myself. We're still young and we haven't talked that far into the future yet. But when it came to surprising me, I should not have expected less from you. You never did things halfway.

Your proposal caught me off-guard. I was anxious about graduating. I had always been good at studying and suddenly I was free from school. Everything felt up in the air and there is a whole world of things I do not know how to face. Adding marriage brought a different set of fears. What if it changed everything between us? You and I never had the best example of a good marriage.

Everything fell to pieces that day. You and I, hearts and dreams and what could have been. You said all or nothing. I wasn't ready. I wanted to try long distance again but you were set with your decision. In the end, we both had nothing.

After all this time and even with what happened, you're still the one. No other guy could compare. No one even comes close. You should understand that while my mind was saying no at that moment, my heart was always fixed on someday.


End file.
